The Babysitters
by risokura
Summary: An insane clown, a man with an overly large sword and a narcissist with a thong ...you could hardly call them babysitting material.


Disclaimer: I don't own Fina Fantasy

**The Babysitters**

"You must be the babysitters!"

Said babysitters hardly looked anything like respectable babysitters.

One was a short blonde man with excessive amounts of make-up. He looked somewhat like a clown. Giving a small "uwee hee!" he entered the house. Following him was a purple-silver haired man with a thong on. He wore make-up except not as much. He yawned delicately as he entered the house and looked around at the decorating. The last was a tall silver hair man who carried a long sword which he was hugging affectionately.

"So! These are the…babysitters?" asked The Man--who shall remain just as nameless as his wife--looking from the short scary blonde hair man, to the tall silver haired man.

"Uwee hee, yes! Indeed we are ready to babysit! I'm Kefka Palazzo!" Kefka stuck up a finger matter-o-factly and gave a small "uwee" to confirm this.

The Man shook Kefka's hand and moved on to the purple-silver haired man. "And you are?"

"Er…Kuja Tribal…please to meet you?" Kuja shook The Man's hand and observed that The Man was looking him up and down.

"Well aren't you a pretty little thing!" Said The Man

"Such a fine young lady!" said The Woman.

Kuja did a double take. "WHAT!?"

Sephiroth snorted and Kefka drew his cloak over his face in an attempt to hide his laughter. Kuja frowned and put his hands on his hips.

"Sir, I'm not—"

"No need to blush dear! Every young lady like yourself needs a compliment now and then!"

Kuja gave a sigh, "But I'm not a girl…" he mumbled.

"And you are?"

The tall silver haired man looked down at The Man before him and hugged his sword closer to him. He gave him his best menacing glare and said, "Sephiroth."

"Yer quite a tall fellow! And that sword is mighty impressive to!" The Man said.

"…Stay away from my sword!" Sephiroth whined, hugging the sword closer.

The Woman gave a small laugh. "Why dear, what a charming bunch! I'll go get Emi!"

The Man nodded. "Please, have a seat."

Shortly after the trio had sat down on the sofa, The Woman came downstairs holding a cooing baby. She was gurgling. One look at the baby from the three villains, and they knew they were going to be in serious shit.

The Man and The Woman walked over to the door after handing the baby to Kuja.

"Have fun now!" said The Man.

The Woman turned to the trio. "There are emergency numbers on the fridge. Formula in the fridge and diapers in the bathroom. If you need her toys or video tapes, there in her room. We'll be back by ten!"

Looking at the clock, it read a little after six o'clock…and the hell was just beginning.

Emi looked at Kuja and Sephiroth and cooed. One look at Kefka and she immediately started to cry.

"WAHHHH!! WAHHHH!!"

"What's it doing?" asked Sephiroth, raising a silver eyebrow in confusion.

"It's…crying…" said Kuja, holding Emi away at arms length

"WAHHH!!" Emi continued to wail as the three confused villains had no idea what the hell they were suppose to do.

"SHUT THAT THING UP, DAMMIT!" shouted Kefka, putting both hands over his ear, in hopes of drowning out the sound.

"Er…what do you suppose we should do?" asked Kuja, still staring at the baby.

"…I have a sword…" Sephiroth mumbled, looking off into space.

"Right! A SWORD is going to safe us…from this…this thing…" Kefka shouted, waving his hands.

Kuja sweatdropped. "…Will you stop acting like moron's for once and help me with this baby?"

Kefka stuck up a finger, and his lips curled into a side ways smirk. "I say we rip its vocal cords out, uwee hee hee!"

Emi looked at Kefka who "uwee'd" in response and began to cry louder. "WAHHH!! WAHHH!!"

Kuja sweatdropped more and shook his head. "Er…" He began to cradle the baby. "…stop crying now?"

Emi stopped crying and snuggled into Kuja's arms and began to coo. She gave a small gurgle and then giggled. The three villian's grew quiet, all staring at the baby in Kuja's arms. The baby stared at Kuja and then pulled on his hair. "Wee hee!" the baby cried.

"Ow…um…be a nice baby and let go of my—OW!"

"It's like a little Kefka…" Sephirtoh said, wincing.

Kuja growled slightly after prying his hair from Emi's hands. The baby started to cry once more.

Kefka put his hands over his ears. "MAKE IT STOP!"

Kuja began to cradle the baby, and making shushing noises. "Er…do you guys know any nursery rhymes or something?"

Sephiroth thought for a moment. "Er…let's make up one!"

Kuja gave him a cross expression. "That…_might_ work…"

So the song went…theme of rock-a-by-baby

Kuja started. "Blowing up city's…"

Kefka gave a small laugh and continued "Stealing Esper's"

Sephiroth thought for a moment and then came up with "Launching meteorites upon planets…"

The three looked up at each other and then chorused together "So they blow up!"

Emi started to close her eyes.

Kuja continued to rock the baby and blinked. "Er…the hero's shall die…"

Kefka nodded. "Before it's to late, uwee hee hee…"

Sephiroth swung his sword. "And then all the villains…"

Kuja scrunched up his nose, "Er…will be victorious that day…"

The baby then fell asleep, snuggled into Kuja's arms. It gave a small coo and a gurgle. Although they wouldn't admit it, the three all thought the scene looked quite…cute and motherly. Kuja gave a sigh as he sat down with the baby in his arms.

"…Well that wasn't to hard…"

"Seems the baby _likes_ Kuja." Sephiroth nudged Kefka who snickered and nodded in agreement.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say Kuja had maternal instincts!" Kefka received a small fire spell to his feather for that comment. "Uweee…"

Emi started to squirm in Kuja's arms and make gripping motions at the sky. "Ehh…ehhh…"

"What's she doing?"

Kuja shook the baby. "Shhh…er…I have no clue! DO I LOOK LIKE A MOTHER TO YOU!?"

Sephiroth and Kefka both stared at Kuja for a moment. Both of them got punches to the face for the rather _rude _stare.

"I think she's hungry." Kuja said as she…er…**he **stepped over Kefka and Sephiroth. Searching the refridgerator, Kuja found a bottle of formula and gave a sigh of relief when Emi started sucking away at the bottle happily.

"…See, he can be a mother, uwee hee!"

Kefka received a kick in the groin for that comment.

Sephiroth put on his best "I have no clue what he's talking about face" and Kuja walked past him.

Ten minutes had passed and Emi finished the bottle. She scrunched her face up and whined. "Now what?"

"I think your suppose to burp the baby." Said Sephiroth, looking off into space when Kefka and Kuja stared at him. "…just an educated guess."

"…Right sword boy." Kefka snickered.

Kuja turned Emi over on his shoulder and began to burp her. However, he forgot an essential rule for when you burp babies. Always have a towel over your shoulder in case the baby throws up instead.

And throw up the baby did!

"Eww…" Kefka scrunched up his nose when the throw up had landed in Kuja's hair.

Kuja however gave both of them a blank face. "…she threw up…"

The both of them nodded.

"…in my hair…"

They nodded again. Kuja blinked and handed the baby to Sephiroth. Emi gurgled and drooled in Sephiroth's arms. She caught sight of his sword and pointed at it. "Swooorrdddd…"

Kuja on the other hand had gone to the bathroom, screaming in Terran.

Kefka stared at the baby. "…wonder what that's hinting at for the future?"

Sephiroth looked down at the blonde man and sweatdropped. "Just what are you implying?"

"…that the kids getting a jump start at her sex life."

"YOU SICK LITTLE CLOWN MAN!"

Emi pointed at Kefka. "Clown man!"

Kefka put his hands on his hips. "I'm not a clown! You just can't appreciate true beauty!"

Sephiroth sweatdrops increased. "…what true beauty?"

Kuja came back with his hair sopping wet. "…damn baby…"

"And five minutes later, you'll be holding her again and will look quite motherly."

Kefka got punched in the face once again and landed on the floor in a fit of giggles. Kuja took Emi from Sephiroth and stared the baby in the eyes. "…your lucky your so cute…"

Emi giggled and waved her hands. "Cute! Cute!"

Kuja gave a sigh and sat down on the couch. "Now what do we do?" The three looked at the clock. "…well, it's 9 pm…we got an hour to burn." Kuja said looking at Kefka and Sephiroth.

"Let's create an army of babies that can do our evil bidding!" Kefka said throwing his hands into the air and laughing his head off.

"That has the be the worst idea I have ever heard…" Sephiroth looked down at the blonde man and shook his head.

"You got a better idea, sword boy?"

As the two bickered, Kuja looked down at Emi who had fallen asleep in his arms. "Good idea…" He closed his eyes and decided to take a nap also.

"I'll stick this sword where the sun don't shine, clown man!"

"Ew…"

"…NOT THAT WAY!"

"…hm, right."

"Dirty minded clown…"

"I AM NOT A CLOWN!"

"Explain the make-up then!"

"Like I said, you just can't appreciate beauty when you see it!"

"What beauty?"

"…Kuja! Help me out here! …Kuja?"

The two turned to the couch to see Kuja had fallen asleep with Emi curled up in his arms. They looked at each other and then at Kuja. "He really does look like a girl right now."

"Told ya! Uwee hee hee!"

"…Flare."

Kefka and Sephiroth found themselves on the floor once again.

"I have ears you dopes."

The door opened suddenly and the three villains looked to see The Man and The Woman come in the door. Both were smiling. "Were back!"

The three villains looked at each other and then at Kuja. "Aww! So precious." Kuja handed the sleeping baby to The Woman and walked over to the door with Kefka and Sephiroth.

"Thank you so much for babysitting…" The Man said as they stood outside the door. The Man looked Kuja once over and cocked his head to the side. "… and hey…how about when my wife's not around we go out some time?"

Kefka and Sephiroth did a double take and looked at Kuja who punched The Man in the face. "Let's go, we have a date with SquareEnix…were going to kill them."

"Right behind ya Kuja! Uwee hee hee!"

"YAY! Violence! Come on swordy, it's game time!"

And so…ended the villains baby sitting experience…and everything was blissfully blissfully…happy…

_Fin_


End file.
